A man walks into a bar...

I've been in Russia/Ukraine for about a month now. As well as my souvenir bust of Stalin (stern) and Ukrainian national shirt (jazzy) I have accquired a lot of Russian anecdotes while I've been out here... none of which seem to transfer into English. The structure of Russian and English jokes are very different. Thinking about it, to generalise in a topic as massive as humour is pretty difficult but it's worth a go. To me, it seems like a lot of English jokes are appreciated for their wit, usually using puns and just general word play. On the other hand, Russian jokes tend to focus more on people and sort of life inspired situations. A fair few English jokes tend to sacrifice reality for the sake of wordplay or whatever else, whereas Russian jokes tend to prefer drawing humour from relatable situations, drawing humour from misunderstanding or just laughing at people. There are jokes that are exceptions to this in both cultures, but I'm just saying that's what you'll most likely get if you ask an Englishman or a Russian to tell you a joke. Anyways enough of that shit, here are some Russian jokes:

Exhibit A

A boy came home from school and wanted to tell his family a new joke he heard. He went up to his mum and asked if she had time for a joke. 'I don't have time for your silly jokes, I have to lay the table' she replied, so he moved on to his dad. His dad didn't have time either though, and told him that he just wanted to sit and watch TV because he'd been working all day. So he moved on to his big sister, but she told him that she was going to see her boyfriend and didn't have time either. Having exhausted all options, but still really badly wanting to tell the joke, he went outside and saw a policeman standing there. 'Do you want to hear a joke?' the boy asked the officer. The policeman stared at him and said 'don't you see who you're talking to?'
'yes, I do' replied the boy, 'that's why I'll say the joke slowly and repeat it twice'.

Exhibit B

A man is sitting in a jail cell in a police station, when the night shift officer comes on and asks him why he's here. 'Well I upset too many people' replied the man. He explained to the officer that he never loses a bet, and that it got him in trouble. 'Never lose? that's impossible!' scorned the officer.
'No it's true' insisted the prisoner. 'Let me show you. Bet me something'
'Ok fine, I've earned $200, so I'll bet you $100 that you can't bite your own elbow'
'Deal' replies the prisoner and proceeds to take his fake teeth out and put them around his elbow. The astonished officer grudgingly handed over $100, but immediately announced 'I bet you $98 that you can't bite your own eye!'
'Deal' replied the prisoner and proceeded to take his glass eye out and place it between his teeth, popping it in in time to get his money.
At this point, down on his last two dollars, the officer was totally distraught. Seeing his distress, the prisoner took pity and said 'look, I'll bet you one last time so you can at least try to salvage your dignity. I bet you that if you let me piss on you, it will smell like Gucci perfume'.
Accepting, the officer went into the cell and let the prisoner piss all over him. When he had finished, the officer looked at him quizically. 'This just smells like someone pissed on me, I can't smell Gucci at all!'
'Oh, really?' replied the prisoner, grinning, 'here, have your $2 then'.

There ain't no knock knock jokes in Russian motherfuckers.

And yes, a lot of Russian jokes seem tend to take the piss out of the police.




You're probably staring at the screen pretty blankly at the moment- least I tried though, right?
In general Russians like laughing at authority in a way that the English do not. English humour likes to poke fun of authority, but in a way that does not really challenge it. On the other hand the Russians love ripping apart politicians, the police and whatever else comes their way.
I've always been of the opinion that you can either laugh or cry at a problematic situation. You can make jokes about how having one testicle makes you half the man you used to be and how you will never again be able to do 'the brain', or you can cry about your ruined manhood. I don't really know why that came to mind, but there you go. Probably cos I wanna put my balls on yo' mind so I can put them on yo' face later onnn. But yea.. laugh or cry. The Russians and Ukrainians exemplify this when it comes to politics, choosing to either moan about how everything is ruined or make jokes about what a bunch of idiots they all are. There's an excellent sketch show called '95 Kvartal' on TV over here, which is sort of like our 'Have I got news for you'. They rip the piss out of politicians and laws mercilessly, with a live audience that consists of normal people and politicians. Often the comic will look directly at a politician and make a joke about him, or a whole sketch will be based on mocking a particular politician/group. It is slightly uneasy when it pans to a shot of the audience, with everyone in tears and a solitary politician looking like he's about to order a hit on the guys on stage. In fact not long ago this would've been the case, thankfully though things have gotten a bit more civil over here in recent years. Or maybe they just have really good bodyguards? Either way it's nice to see that the people over here have some outlet for the frustrations that come from a totally corrupt government and police.

But yea, I've found it weird how I've got blank looks whenever I've tried translating jokes. It's to be expected I guess, I'm just hoping for a miraculous breakthrough in finding the missing link- a person here who understands English jokes and finds them funny, and an English person who's the same with Russian ones. My missing link is still wandering around somewhere, unaware of the world of lols and rofls I can provide for them.